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There is no getting around it: sometimes we all find ourselves struggling in the darkness. Have you found yourself looking for some guiding light, a pinprick in the dark, to grasp onto? You may not realize this, but that spark lies within you, hidden in your heart. In times of struggle, our focus is often drawn up into the brain or down into the gut (as in “gut feelings.”) Finding some balance of the two is important for everyone, but I think that many of us tend to gloss over the voice of the heart.

A sweet friend of mine recently reminded me to pause and listen to what my heart had to say. At first, I just felt a blanket of pure fear covering my heart, stifling it. With a little more attention, a firm voice burst through: “You are a fighter. You can do this.” The heart voice is not wavering like the gut feeling, nor is it hard to interpret like the swirling thoughts in my head. It is clear, it is strong, and it steps forth when it is needed most. That voice is the reason I am alive today.

I still remember the night I almost died with a detailed clearness that can only come from a trauma memory. My complex health issues had been flaring badly, preventing me from eating. I was having a severe allergic reaction to a medication, shaking violently. High fever. Small seizures. My body had been seared with excruciating pain for days on end, and focused meditation was my only temporary escape. I felt utterly depleted. I hadn’t slept in 72 hours and had barely sipped water for a week. I was so sure that I was going to die that I wrote final letters to those closest to me. I held on through the night, in far too much pain for sleep. Then, sometime around 3 a.m., I felt a strange calm come over me. It was so soothing, so peaceful. I started to hallucinate, picturing a pathway into the void of blackness. There was a round tunnel, and clouds of colors and spotted swirls twirled gently down the tunnel towards the end, a dazzling white light. I felt like a prism, like my presence was splitting that pure white light into all of those gorgeous swirls and patterns as I rose from my pain-stricken body below. I started walking towards the light, entranced, grateful for an escape. Then, that heart voice appeared. It did not speak. It thundered. “I AM NOT FINISHED HERE YET.” I was suddenly ripped from that peaceful tunnel and back into my body, back into the agony and the pain. To this day I truly believe that I was presented with a choice that night. If my heart had been as ready to depart as the rest of my body was, I absolutely believe I would have walked into that glorious light and passed on. At the time, part of me was angry at the fierceness inside of me, wanting to stop existing in such inescapable excruciating pain. As I reflect back on all that I have experienced since that night, I am deeply deeply grateful that spark inside me spoke out.

It feels a little strange to share a story that is so deeply personal and vulnerable, but maybe that is something we all need to do a little more of. It’s no secret that many people who have had near-death experiences report a tunnel with a light at the end of it. It’s shockingly universal, so much so that after I did some research on it years later I was in tears to read just how closely my own story matched that of other survivors.

When I was laying there, broken and shaking, a skeletal mess of agony, I had no idea my heart was so strong. I thought I would succumb. I thought I was ready. 

I am so grateful I was reminded of the strength of my heart voice the other night, as I truly needed its guidance once again. Have you ever felt the assurance of your heart speaking? Perhaps telling you to hold on, or clearly indicating that “he is the one.” Have you experienced that firmness, that tenacity, that strength within you like the last ember glowing on a long cold night? Do you hear it now?

If you are hurting or unsure or scared, take a moment now to open yourself to listening. Close your eyes and draw your attention into your chest. Let it sit there, waiting, perhaps pulling away silken layers of doubt that are muting the voice you need to hear. What does it say to you? What do you hear? 

If you need a little aid in reaching the part of yourself with something to speak, turn to Hawthorn for guidance. With long sharp spines hidden beneath enchanting and delicate flowers, Hawthorn knows the balance of softness and pure resilient strength. It’s been used as medicine for the heart for centuries, both literally (as in regulating blood pressure) and metaphorically (as in allowing you to reach your own heart’s truth.) Just like your own heart, Hawthorn is not always sweet. There can be spines to discover in the truth-telling. Are you prepared for that conversation? Below is a ritual for connecting to Hawthorn’s magic, plus a recipe for a delightful bath scrub to make ahead of time. As always, take what resonates and leave the rest. 

Rejuvenating Sugar Scrub: 

Hawthorn berries, rose hips, and orange peel give this sugar scrub a lovely, invigorating fragrance, plus lots of skin-soothing antioxidants. It takes just a day to transform foraged berries and hips into a soothing scrub perfect for fall (plus it’ll make your house smell delightful!) It’s perfect for using in the ritual below. *A note on safe use: since sugar scrubs like this don’t contain any synthetic preservatives, it’s important not to allow any water to get in the jar since it can cause bacterial or mold growth. Instead, keep the jar closed and scoop out a little bit of the scrub into a little bowl or your hand before you enter the bath or shower. I recommend storing your scrub in the fridge for longer use. This makes 3 (8oz) jars.

Ingredients: 

1 c. rose hips, fresh

½ c. hawthorn berries

Peels from 1 organic orange

1 1/2 c. sweet almond oil

1 oz rose hip seed oil 

2 vitamin E capsules

3c sugar

2 tsp.  carrot powder for color (optional)  

Directions: 

1. Put the hawthorn berries in a mortar and pestle and smash them really well, then transfer to a small oven-safe pan. Add the rose hips to the mortar and pestle and smash them too. Try to smash the seeds a bit so they start to release their oil. Be cautious when handling smashed rose hips - those little hairs are quite itchy! (Don’t worry, they won’t be in the finished product!) 

2. Add the smashed fruit and the orange peels to a small baking tin and cover with the sweet almond oil. Put your oven on its lowest setting (under 100F) and roast for 8 hours, stirring occasionally. 

3. Strain the warm liquid through a fine sieve, then run it through a coffee filter to remove any small hairs that can cause irritation.

4. Let the oil cool to room temperature, then mix in the rose hip seed oil and vitamin E. Add the sugar and place the mixture into sterilized airtight jars. 

5. To use, scoop a little into a small bowl or clean, dry hands and then close the lid. Take the small bowl into the shower or bath with you. Wet your face, then gently scrub the surface with the mixture. Rinse with warm water, then with cold. 

Heart Voices Ritual:

You’ll need: 

Access to a hawthorn tree or some purchased hawthorn tea

Teapot and cup

Paper and pencil

Access to a bathtub

Sugar scrub

Directions: 

1. Get out and gather about ½ c. of hawthorn berries and/or leaves. As you gather, try to stay present, focusing on the temperature outside, how the air feels entering your nose or mouth, what colors or patterns you see on the hawthorn berries. 

2. Add the hawthorn to a teapot and bring some water to boil. Pour it over and leave it to steep for about 10 minutes. As your tea steeps, write down what is blocking your heart’s voice. Don’t overthink it, just write whatever comes to mind. 

3. Pour yourself a nice big mug of hawthorn tea. Focus on your body and how the tea feels both physically and energetically. Picture it filling your belly with light, which then radiates outward through your whole being. Focus on the feeling of the hawthorn, then write down the message from your heart. Just feel and transcribe it to paper. Even if it doesn’t seem to make sense at first, your heart will never lie to you. Listen. Hold onto that spark. 

4. Draw a nice warm bath and add any bath salts or essential oils you’d like. Light some candles, if you want. Put some sugar scrub in a bowl and set it on the edge of the tub. 

5. Once you are in the bath, recognize that you are in a safe space. If you’re feeling any emotions, know that this is somewhere you can express them - cry, sing, shake, or move as needed. You might be surprised at what you’ve been carrying. 

6. Allow the calmness of your setting to seep into your body. Use the sugar scrub on your face and shoulders. As you gently scrub, imagine that you are scrubbing away any blockages or heavy emotions. Rinse off in the water. 

7. Lay back in the bath and take a few moments to focus on your breathing. Breathe in for four counts, hold it for four counts, then exhale for four counts. Repeat as needed, until you are feeling calm and grounded. 

8. Focus on your heart and picture it filling with a pool of light. With each breath, it fills up a little more, and with each exhale it becomes clearer and clearer. Now, hold the message from your heart voice in your mind and keep breathing. Does it make more sense now? Have you gotten any additional information? 

9. When you’re ready, drain the bath and write down any additional observations or journal about your experience. Repeat this ritual at least monthly (or as often as twice a week) through this period of darkness or confusion as needed. Hawthorn will always hold you with love.

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